One Year Chemo Grad! and I’m Alive! =)

Time flies after the storm. I can’t believe it’s already been one year since my last Chemotherapy treatment. It was bitter sweet at the time, because I was told the Cancer had spread to my stomach, lower abdomen, and lower back, making me stage 4 Lymphoma. I was told I would need additional Chemotherapy “Ice” treatment. A much more aggressive treatment. I was also told I would need a bone marrow transplant. At this point in my treatment last year, I was facing my darkest days, and really had no idea if I would come out of this alive. They were truly my darkest days. Nevertheless, my family, my friends, stayed strong. They helped keep me strong. It was like treatment never skipped a beat, and everything seemed normal and usual. but inside, I really felt like I was going to succumb to this battle. It was really hard putting on a brave face. It was hard trying to seem optimistic. Inside I just kept thinking “I can’t do this anymore.” Chemo kicked my ass. I couldn’t bear the thought of a more aggressive treatment. I couldn’t bear the thought of another surgery. I couldn’t bear the thought of suddenly losing the battle, and leaving behind all my loved ones. But alas, in September of 2013, my Pet Scan showed that it was a false positive. I did have a bone island in my lower back with Cancer activity, but I was assured Radiation therapy, and not Chemotherapy would help me cure. Big relief. No Additional Chemo, and no Surgery. But just imagine, living about 6 to 8 weeks thinking that you may soon pass. It was tough. I began my two months of Radiation Therapy in September, and here I am. Alive and thriving. So grateful. Grateful to all the prayers and love and support. and now #CreatingLifeExperiences! Thank you all who supported me. I’m here today because of you! F*ck Cancer! =)
All my love and support to all those fighting it right now! Stay Strong.
Albee Fine

Hero??

I congratulated a friend on his promotion recently. His response was that I was the “Hero.” I’m a cancer survivor, but I don’t consider myself a Hero. I consider myself a warrior. A fighter. A beacon of light to many others fighting the fight. but a Hero? That is too much credit. Bless all those fighting Cancer. I’ll be soon coming up to my Chemo Grad Birthday. Life is good. =)
Albee Fine

Taking a break for awhile!

In these past few months I have received many emails and people outreaching to me for support, advice and strength. I was told I was a hero and inspiration. All lovely things to hear. While I love being able to support anyone, inspire anyone, and be a beacon of strength for anyone, I must admit, it has lately taken it’s toll on me. I was forgetting to focus on myself. and therefore I will be going silent for a while, until I can regain my strength mentally and physically. Many people think, Yes, He’s 7 months Cancer Free, but the truth is I am still picking up the pieces after the storm. Cancer affects everyone differently. With that said, thank you for reading my Cancer Journey Blog, and to my fellow Cancer Survivors/Gladiators I wish you all the best. I was told it takes about two years for Survivors to be strong enough for other fighters, but we’ll see. Hopefully I will get to share stories before then.
All my best to you.
God Bless
Albee Fine

Being Alive

“Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being alive – being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone, not alive

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I’ll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.”

“Fear Can Only Grow in Darkness. Once You Face Fear With Light, You Win.” a Hero? an Inspiration?

What’s a Hero, whose a Hero?

Sometimes I find the answer to this question pretty easy. A Doctor, a Firefighter, a Policeman, a Military man of service.

Cancer Fighter/Cancer Survivor?

Are we really among that list?

I struggled with that idea for quite some time. and just recently I’m learning a Hero can mean so many different things to so many different people, regarding specific situations.

Initially, I did not consider myself a Hero. I just basically felt like I was doing whatever it took to survive and live. These past few months have been teaching me a few lessons. and I have found that in being considered a “Hero” also leads to being an inspiration.

What is inspiration? Who is an inspiration in your life?

Lately, I have been approached (written to) by several people asking for advice, comfort, and perhaps I think a way to show them the light, rather than the darkness.

A quote I love: “Fear Can Only Grow in Darkness. Once You Face Fear With Light, You Win.”

I don’t always have the best answers, but I accept my responsibilites now as someone who is seen as a Hero or Inspiration.

I try my best to be there for whoever reaches out to me. Sometimes I’m able to help bring them peace, and sometimes I just simply don’t know what to say. In those cases, I find music or poetry to be my best solutions.

I felt very weak and tired this week, and I think it was because I was giving so much of my soul to several different people. I don’t regret it a bit, but being an inspiration can sometimes take so much from you. It was also very heart heavy as my friend Ozzie lost his Mom to Cancer last week. My first instinct was to take care of him. and in this case, I learned another lesson. I can not forgot about myself. I need to be strong for myself, so that I can “lend” my strength to others in times of need.

I am slowly adjusting to this new “life” of mine. While many may not notice the internal struggles I go through, trust me they are there. and while many may not see me as “Hero” or “Inspiration” trust me, there are those who consider me so. So that’s why I continue writing this blog. Sure my energy is drained sometimes, but being there for others brings me the greatest feeling of love, and the greatest feeling of satisfaction.

So don’t be afraid. Keep the questions coming. I’m here for you.

Thanks For Reading
Albee Fine

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom. Mom’s are special. They take care of us as babies, watch us grow and make mistakes, and their love is always unconditional. I was blessed to be born to a Mom as such. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to express, how much I adore, appreciate, and will forever love my Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom.
Love You
Albee Fine

Pay It Forward

When you beat cancer you feel grateful. you feel relieved. You feel like life almost got you, and you narrowly escaped. You feel lucky. You feel privileged. You feel like maybe there is a greater meaning to your life. You feel at first you can get through this, but by the end of treatment, you feel like “It’s your time to go.”

Surviving Cancer is a very complex mix of emotions. Joy, elation, relaxation, gratitude…peace.

However, when you hear about others fighting the fight, and eventually learning that some of those lost the fight, your emotions become confused and mixed up.

Yesterday, my friend Ozzie lost his mom due to Cancer. and it upsets me. It has made me sad. and I really can’t even begin to know what my friend Ozzie is going through internally. Sure we have all experienced lost at some point. but when someone dies of Cancer, the very thing that threatened my life, it’s a whole different story.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. In many ways, I have met several people who look at me as their beacon of light. and I so very much want to be that beacon of light. But truth is, just six months in as Cancer Free, I’m still dealing with all the demons of fighting Cancer. I still dream and have nightmares of fighting Cancer. but my secret wish, my inner desires, are to help others fighting the fight, and to help their loved ones, be strong have faith, and know that eventually, one day, we will have a cure to Cancer. What you can do today is Pay It Forward. Cancer is no joke. No matter how well or terrible they look, Cancer warriors are fighting the fight for their lives. Support them someway. Even if just a small gesture as a smile. PAY IT FORWARD!!

Hang in there Warriors and Supporters.
Albee Fine

Dedicated to my friend Ozzie. May Rosa Rest in Peace.

Rosa left us yesterday. Her body went to sleep around sunset, and her soul has risen. Thanks for my Albee Blog readers who helped pray for Rosa, my friend Ozzie, and all loved ones around them. RIP Rosa.

Rosa still needs our prayers

She is in ICU. She almost left us. Please help continuing to pray for her, and lend your strength to her family. My friend Ozzie reached out to me today. He is normally so composed, and so strong, but I can tell that this time now has caused much chaos in their lives. Every prayer, every thought of wishing her well, makes a difference. Cancer sucks! Let’s help her and her family overcome this.
Albee Fine.

Somethings are meant to be!